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Capital Punishment
Playing Hangman can be dangerous – especially when you live among idiots.
Got these from a friend – some’s a bit quirky, but a little funny.
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead..
6. Life is sexually transmitted.
7. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
10. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
11. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
12. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
13. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
16. Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.’
17. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
18. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
19. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
20. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Dear Civilians, ‘We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. Â For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem – kick their ass.
2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest – kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
A man was riding his Harley along aCalifornia beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Thank you, Lord. Please build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and
the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she really means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a
woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?